redefining myself

I saw myself on Saturday. Well, I saw a side of myself, but it was a side that I didn't know existed. People often have a rolling definition of themselves, and others, and everything for that matter. It is like a personal Wikipedia where some definitions are static and others are dynamic and constantly being updated.

I had to re-define myself, at least for the moment, with the term: quitter. That scared me.

We started with the swim, and it all went well till I swam too far and added a considerable amount to my swim. I kept going, but I stopped pushing myself. In all honesty, I was really enjoying the swim. On the first bike portion I decided to go for a ride by myself. I knew before the day started that I needed some alone time on the bike instead of being on the trainer. It went well enough, but there were no metrics to judge by.

Then we got to the first run. I have lost another 10 lbs and was feeling pretty good. I was off the front and planning to give the fasties a run for their money. I was, and I was feeling great - like I had a lot more to give. Then, I just kinda slowed down and turned around. On the way back I picked it up close to the end - where I could have easily sprinted to the finish. Instead, I just stopped running and jogged in slowly.

We moved over to hill repeats on the bike. A few days before I was killing it on the short hill repeats like this. I should have owned this. I did a slow one to get to know the hill, and was feeling good. I did a couple fast ones that I bet were pretty fast overall, and then I caught Nate, whom I was hoping to race up the hill. Nate got really fast when nobody was looking and I wanted to get my crown back. Anyway, we take off and I have a LOT more in my legs and I am just slightly ahead. Then - I just stop peddaling. I just didn't feel like fighting anymore. I turn around mid-hill defeated and wondering what is going on with me. I go to the bottom to race someone else. Simon is there and I decide to give it another go. Same thing - and we weren't even going hard. At this point I am wondering what is going on with me. My body feels fine, but my brain just isn't cooperating.

We get done and go to the next run. I only go about 7 (of 10) minutes out and then a group is heading back and I jump on to be able to run with someone else. I am feeling good. Towards the end BK and the Clingon take off right about the point I would usually start my sprint. I figured that would be a big confidence booster. Guess what? I quit again. I walk the rest of the way in. People are cheering people on as they finish and ignore me, thankfully, as I hang my head in shame.

I proceed to pig out on questionably edible food, not caring about my diet. I eat like crap the whole rest of the weekend and spend most of Sunday in bed skipping my run.

I had to edit my personal definition of myself and add: quitter.

I know it wasn't a race, and I hadn't gotten much sleep, had a lot of stress, perhaps not enough water....blah blah blah....but those are all excuses. I have continued to fight when the chips were totally stacked against me. I finished a race with a stick in my kidney because I didn't want to have to edit my definition.

Coach Dave was talking about people seeing a different side of themselves at the Bootcamp weekend, which I had thought was relatively easy. Now, I see a different side of myself on a super easy weekend.

I am taking some time and diving into myself. I am going to tighten whatever got loose up there and get back to who I am. Rest assured, I made the edit in pencil. Light pencil.