Lost momentum

Sorry - I lost momentum writing. I will get back on track here.

First thing's first - swimming is getting easier. It isn't easy, and I am not good. I can see myself, perhaps 1000 laps away, as a decent tri-swimmer. I couldn't see that before, so now it is nice to see it. I learned how to swim slow this past weekend. I was pacing off a couple team-mates that swim at a slower pace than me and it was really easy to swim at that pace and I wasn't out of breath at all. Ironically, they were WAYYY faster in their 800 marker swims. I now know to slow it down and keep a steady pace and I will be able to cut my overall time.

Mike is a great guy and a great coach. I am really lucky to have people like him on the team. I really wouldn't make it without him. I would still be doing largely what I was doing before or spending big $$ on a private coach.

I went on the first team ride this last weekend. It was a lot of fun. I found 2 people in the East Bay that I can ride with, which is another blessing for me. I am a little faster than them, but it is just great to have people to ride with that are close to my pace. They are both awesome people to boot, so that is a bonus. I couldn't have been happier with the ride. Kathryn also looked pretty good on the bike, which is a good thing. I really want to get her on her new bike and see how it goes. Last weekend just wasn't a good idea for that.

I have been watching some of the Team-In-Dating shenanigans going on. I won't throw anyone under the bus on my blog, but it is funny to watch. It makes sense though right? You have a room full of like minded, athletic people, that are good hearted and all sharing a huge challenge. Good stuff is bound to happen. TNT is a large part of why I am with Kathryn. I knew what kind of person she must be to have been involved in it for so long.

Sandy won the spirit cape. Good for her. I am glad she won it. I can't think of a better person to have it. She has helped me so much just by suggesting little things and cheering me on. This organization is really full of great people. How did they let me in???

I watched "My Sister's Keeper" recently. I might see if I can buy them in bulk and give them to anyone that donates over $100. It was an incredibly moving movie and it reinforced what I am fighting for. I really take this fundraising business seriously.

I just learned about a friend of a close friend that has leukemia and is being treated at UCSF. I am thinking about getting together people from the team to go there on New Year's Day and have a little party for her. Apparently, all her friends and family are in So Cal, so she is all alone and in really rough shape.

That's about enough from me today. Happy Winter Festive Season to anyone reading.

Domestic violence

Poor Tessa. Kathryn was sooo excited to have her newly fit tri-bike in her car and on her way home. She had such joy in her voice when I talked to her and I was really looking forward to my Thank-you dinner that I was going to get for helping her. I was crushed when she called me from home to let me know that there were many badly touched up paint chips and scratches on her never-before-ridden bike.

She loves that bike - more than I could have hoped for. I had secretly hoped that a new bike that works better would help her appreciate cycling more. Based on her aesthetic love of the bike I am off to a good start. Her voice had such heartbreak in it after discovering the damage that happened at the fitters. I had hoped she was exaggerating and it wasn't that bad. She sent me pictures before coming to pick me up and I freakin' lost it. It was terrible. I almost went to Phil's house, but I didn't think that would end well and had the sense to talk myself out of it. Instead I called and sent a VERY firm email. I can't believe that he didn't have the guts to call and/or tell us in person. He says that he forgot, but that is BS.

I went there to finish my fitting. I was tempted to just get my bike and bail, but decided to go ahead and finish after he sent an email accepting responsibility and offering to have the bike repainted. We did our thing and I paid him. He promised to get it fixed in the new year, and I guess we'll see how that goes. Kathryn doesn't have the same sparkle in her eyes for Tessa anymore and that is tough on me. I am hoping that having her fixed will make things better.

I rode my own bike for the first time yesterday. I am not thrilled with the fit. I raised the seat half an inch to get full power. He didn't experiment with my position relative to the power I was putting out at all. He also didn't ask once if I was comfortable. I was uncomfortable and not putting out power. I discovered on my ride that my aerobars were asymmetrical and were a cause of a lot of the discomfort. He also didn't tighten several bolts. Did we just waste $1000? Did I also waste $$$ of my team-mates that I referred over to him? I guess we'll see. I wish we had taken the time to go to Aria Velo instead now. Lesson learned.

Clover

If you let this blog stuff slip for a few days you lose a lot of the details. Oh well.

Last Saturday I opted to ride my bike outside, despite the team email that said we were just going to ride on the trainers at Sports Basement. I am glad I did, for the most part. I couldn't handle that long on the trainer. I needed some road miles. So, I decided to do Mt Diablo. I haven't ridden the Big D since we started with TNT. I bundled up with all my wet/cold weather gear and took off. It was a nice ride, though I have lost a LOT of power. I hadn't slept much the night before, so I was wondering if that was the culprit. Anyway, I am concerned that my power is so far down. I will work harder. I get close to the top but it was too cold and windy up there for me to handle any more, so I went back down the North Side. My waterproof glove ripped all the way down the side and filled with water, so my hand was frozen by the time I got to the bottom. I went to Sports Basement where they were spinning to get the best glove for $20 that I could to get home (only had a $20 on me). I got some wool liner gloves which are great because they keep you warm even when wet. I made it home and felt pretty good. I was disappointed that Kathryn didn't go to spin. I was hoping she would give me a ride home or lend me $$ for better gloves since my hand was so cold. Oh well.

Sunday I went to the coached workout in Novato. I forgot my googles and got there late since I was looking for them so I couldn't get to Erin's bike before the workout. I started the workout late because I thought they were in Kathryn's car and she didn't get there till about 15 min late, but at least she had some awesome goggles for me to borrow. We did 6 stations of various drills and things and then got video taped. It was a little embarrassing at some of the stations since I didn't know what they were talking about and/or couldn't do the drills that we were supposed to do. Even though I am making progress I am far behind the next worst swimmer. In the words of Clover (Animal Farm) "I will work harder". I finally got video taped and reviewed. Sedonia had a lot of positive things to say, and I look MUCH better on tape now than I did the last time I was taped. I still have a really long way to go, but at least I am making progress. I will make it and I will do OK.

After the swim we did core. I have let my abs go for a month and it showed. Again, I will work harder. Between core and the Potluck I jumped on Helen and Erin's bikes. WOW! They took forever. Helen's was incredibly bad. I am used to my own bikes that only take a few minutes. This took me 90 minutes and it still wasn't great. I missed most of the food and 2 of the honoree stories. I didn't realize that we were going to hear stories, so I am bummed that I missed them. The ones I did hear were very moving and meaningful for me. It made me realize that this issue is a LOT bigger than me and my own mission. I just get to play a small part of the solution and I am thankful to have the opportunity to do that. In some ways I am ok with missing the good stuff since I was doing fundraising. I definitely gave too good a deal on my service plan though. I should have charged twice what I did. I will make the time work out for me. You guessed it - I will work harder!

The Magic Suit

Mike had suggested that I bring my wetsuit out to the next swim. This time we did it at Cal High where lots of other real swimmers would be. I had a dose of tequila before going out there - which might have helped. I was kind of nervous to be in the deep end and also embarrassed to have a wetsuit on in the swimming pool.

Anyway, I get there and it is COLD outside, which made me deliberate less on putting it on. I jump in the water and discover that it is IMPOSSIBLE to sink. It was really amazing. I could swim without using my legs at all and just glide through the water. Siding was super easy, as was breathing. I could focus on stroke and trying out the things that Sandy has been sharing with me. I didn't use it too long, but just long enough to count my strokes and see what my lap times were. I was down to 14-16 strokes and my lap times were about 25 seconds, which I think I could sustain for a long time. Even if I slow to an average of 40 seconds, which seemed crazy slow in a wetsuit, that would put me at doing the IM swim in 1.7 hours. I absolutely can't wait to do open water swims now. This was such a huge confidence booster for me. I took it off and swam normally and did lots of drills. I am feeling better and I am able to do my drills without my zoomers on anymore, which is a huge improvement. Overall, I am starting to see results. I think I could be a strong swimmer by '11, and be ok by the time Vineman comes.

I have had a couple people, especially Sandy, Maria, and Tiffany, come forward and give me tips, send videos, and give me encouragement to keep going. I am thankful to be blessed with team-mates and friends that are willing to take the time to keep me moving forward.

Losing it

On Wednesday night we did some pedaling drills. At first I wasn't even going to participate. I have spent many many hours on my pedaling over the years and it should be just about perfect. However, I decided to be a good sport and do it too. WOW! I have let my form go! I may have looked like I had it during the drills, but I really didn't. I have a lot of work to do over the winter to get my form back to being efficient. Fortunately I was given a Compu-Trainer to work with, which will help immensely. I am sure that it will come back very quickly, but it just shows you that EVERYONE needs to work on the basics. The trainer night was cold, but it was good to be with so many other folks out there. Sports Basement got another $400 out of me that night. Quite the gig they have going!

Real allergy and metaphorical one

I am allergic to beer. It is the hops actually. A mutual friend of Matt's told me the only way he would donate would be if he taped the money to a 40oz and sent it to me - I had to pour some out for Matt and drink the rest. I decided to use that as a sick fundraiser. I told him it would take a minimum of $100 for me to do it and I will video tape it. I am going to sell tickets to watch a live broadcast of it. I will drink it real fast and then puke for a while. I can handle that if I get some good donation $$ out of it. Whatever works right? It is better than spending a day trying to wrap presents or cook or something else I can't do. Puking - I am a pro at that.

Last night when I got into the pool it felt like I was allergic to it. I am trying to stay positive, but man do I hate swimming. It is the worst thing I do all day. There is nothing good about it at all. I feel anxious before the water and that is reinforced by several "drowning moments" where I am not able to breathe and take in water and panic. The water is freezing at my gym. Just standing in it would be torture. The frustration might be the worst though. I am not trying to be the best swimmer - I just want to be mediocre. I have never had to strive for mediocrity before.

On a good note, I swam with Kathryn last night. She is faster and likely always will be. However, I was able to keep up with her for a while here and there. It was a great morale booster, and she was a good sport about me chasing after her. It is really great to have someone that I am already close with to share the experience with and to be able to support each other in our weak areas. I am also getting a lot closer with my team-mates. At first glance on kick-off I thought to myself that "these aren't my kinda people", but now, as I get to know them, I see that they are all great people.

Matt on the web and starfish in the water

Yesterday was supposed to be a rest day. I needed some bike time. I don't think the coaches quite get that I NEED time on my bike to be happy in life. It is where I do my thinking and wring out a lot of things in my head.

So, I was on the trainer last night thinking. I have run across a lot of websites and info about Matt. There were a lot of things that made me think about the old days back in Jones Hall in college. It's funny - there were so many experiences with him or a group including him, but I can't tell a single story from it all. They all kind of blur together into the memory that is Matt.

I am going to start trying to get stories from friends of Matt Morrell to add to this blog.

I know some cultures believe that someone survives as long as their memory is alive. I can guarantee that Matt will be around for a long time considering how many people belong to groups or sites dedicated to him.

I am sure every victim out there has a similar story and has touched a number of lives. Cancer seems like such a big thing that it seems silly to think that it could be helped with a small donation. It reminds me of the story of the little boy frantically throwing starfish back into the water and the old man telling him that it won't make a difference. The little boy holds up a starfish and says "it makes a difference to this one". Every dollar make a difference. Now I just need to convince more people that is the case.

When not to compete

I live to compete. The end.

I hear people say things like "I am a warrior at heart" and I always think that is pretty corny, but I guess I do identify with it. I guess the Charles Bukowski title says it best: "War All the Time".

It isn't that I hate people or want to cause them pain or even that I want to make them feel like less than me. I have just tapped into the primal instinct to push myself as hard as I can and I can best achieve that in competition. There is something great about knowing that you really gave something your all and see where the chips land. Of course, I am happiest when I win, but I am still happy when I gave it 100%. I was once asked in an interview: "would you rather do your best or be the best?". I answered "do my best". I didn't get the job.

Two things have caused me to back off from my competitive standpoint recently. The first is that I decided to stop racing cyclocross this season so I don't risk further injury to myself - even though I LOVE racing it. The second was the bike marker yesterday.

The bike marker is a time-trial that is used to get an idea of improvement over the season. You do the same course over and over and see what happens. I was kind of excited to do this - I love to time-trial. That morning, before heading out, I decided to leave my timing equipment at home. I am pretty decent on a bike and there is no reason to be an asshole and blast everyone else in my mentor group. I decided to go on the ride to support my team-mates and do the marker on my own a different time.

Thank God I had that in mind. One of my team-mates is not a strong cyclist yet (actually, the same could be said for MANY of my team-mates). She couldn't get out of the parking lot without falling over in her clipless pedals. We tried for a while and eventually had her put on running shoes. She used a trainer to calm down and get used to the bike a little. It is obvious that she either never learned how to ride a bike or hasn't ridden one since being a kid. Either way, she has a lot of work to do. I felt really good staying behind with a couple other team-mates to help her out. Ultimately, she made the marker and now has a baseline to work off of. We all made it there and back without a crash and then had a nice little bonding lunch.

In a way, it was nice to experience that with her. It let me know that it is OK that I can barely swim. We all have our own journey to go through and our own challenges. It also let me see that our challenges are meager compared to the challenges that our honoress are going though. It put things into perspective for me.

Overall, I am glad that I am able to see the bigger picture here and make it about the cause and not my own victories.

Spirit cape and broken spirit

Ironically, I posted on Facebook about how it should be illegal to have to wake up at 6am on a weekend day. I got to training a couple minutes late - just as we were talking about the "spirit cape". I didn't know what it was - other than a goofy looking cape, but I was guessing that it would be given to someone that did something really cool. I always see stuff like that and think how nice it would be to win something like that, but it usually goes to someone who saved 1000 puppies while ending world hunger. So, the community captain starts reading off things that the person did to earn the cape and I start to realize that it sounds a lot like me! Sure enough - I end up winning the Spirit Cape! It was a huge boost to my morale.

Then we start running 800m repeats. My ankle, which was bothering me before but was feeling fine that morning, starts to hurt. It gets worse and worse and worse. I am about to stop doing the workout when it gets called short anyway. I guess I was saved by the bell. I know I am going to have to take a month or so off from running. While I don't love running, I feel like I am letting my team, honorees, and donors down.

We go to the swim and I do OK - another modest improvement, but the seem to cumulate. I had glimpses of what it would be like to be a good swimmer. There were moments that it felt so easy to glide through the water. It was really nice! It gives me something to look forward to.

After that we sat and learned about an honoree that had just died. There were a lot of really sad people. I also learned that TNT does more than just fund blood cancer research - that research is used across the different cancers. I learned about other folks that had been lost and about how much the diseases have impacted each person on the team. I feel great to be part of something like this. It hammered home my belief that people aren't supporting me - they are supporting people that really need it. Still, I left with a tremendous sadness. I want to learn more about the honorees and get to know them.

I thought 800 would be impossible

My alarm went off at 0500. Somehow I turned it off - I am thinking I did it out of dread. 0600: I get a text from Kathryn asking if I went to do my swim marker already. I thought about hiding, but then I let her know I would be at the pool shortly.

I get to the pool - I have so much anxiety about getting into the water. I haven't gone more than 200m before and that was only one time. Usually I can only make it 25m or so without having to stop.

I skip the warmup. I really don't think I am going to make it anyway, so I don't want to waste any freshness on a warm-up. I take off and it is going OK. After 50m I get tired and have to float on my back for a while. I end up doing a lap and then resting on my back several times. Then I get the idea that I could paddle some on my back. Hey! I am making progress!

About 2/3 of the way through I start trying to backstroke. I have never done it before, or even seen it done, but I figure I will give it a try. I start moving along pretty well. I do a lap of freestyle and one of backstroke and switch back and forth. My FS form goes to hell. It sucked when I started, but now it is a total mess. The backstroke is still good and strong and moving me along, so I stick with it to the end.

If Kathryn hadn't been there I don't know if I could have made it. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It took me just under 38 minutes, and much of that time I felt panic like I was JUST about to drown. I really hate swimming, but I hold onto the fact that I have to really earn the donations.

I do have some great pride in making it. Unfortunately, my pace was well below where it would need to be to make the cutoff. I need to pretty much double my pace. Lotta work ahead!

Helping a team-mate

I decided to lift last night instead of running since my calf is jacked up. I find out that Kathryn isn't feeling motivated and wants to bail on the run. I end up going to her house with my bike and riding next to her while she runs. She hates me. I think she told me 30 times that she doesn't like me much anymore. At least I got a thank-you this morning from her. It is COLD riding slow at night. My fingers were frozen. This team-mate stuff is hard!

I got a couple more donations and learned that Leukemia has affected more of my friends than I had thought. Again, I am amazed at who has donated. There are some good people out there these days.

The snorkel tells all

So I was feeling like a tough guy this morning after my workout last night. The workout was hard, but the to and fro was the tough part - specifically the fro. IT WAS COLD on my bike.

So tough guy attitude firmly in place - and a snorkel. Keep in mind that I slept in a little this morning and so the gym had plenty of people in it when I got there. Regardless of having a girlfriend, no guy wants to look like a dork in front of tons of hot women. My gym's pool is dead center in the gym with clear glass all around. Pretty much a fish tank for everyones amusement. So here I am - goggles, snorkel, pull-buoy, and snorkel. Sweet.

I am convinced that I am going to swim for miles effortlessly. I had told myself that breathing was all I needed to be an awesome swimmer, and the snorkel would fix all that. Man!!! What a wake-up call. So I take off and I am breathing like a champion and swimming right along and then...what's this??? I get tired. I have only gone 50 meters or so and I am tired. My body is sagging way down in the water and my heart rate is still high. I stop. I learn that I can only do 50 meters at a time before having to stop and catch my breath. WTF?

I am seriously concerned about being able to build the endurance by race time. Never mind that my form sucks and I can't breathe without a snorkel. How can my fitness be so high in other activities and I not be able to swim? It really is giving me some humility. This might be the hardest challenge I have ever faced as a civilian. I have always done activities that I was already good at before.

As for running, I got my first running injury. My left calf is hurting. It is my achilles. It isn't crazy bad, but I am going to rest it and ice it to heal up fast. It is hard to miss workouts with the team, but I know this is the right thing to do.

I got my bike fit done today. $375. This is going to be a crazy expensive journey. I am going to bet that I will spend more on equipment and training than I raise in funds (no funds from donations are used for me in any way). I am hoping this fit will help me prevent injuries and be able to train longer and harder.

On a different note: I got my first donation today from Jo Gruzka. This is especially meaningful because I met Jo when I first moved to CA. We were really close friends, but I haven't been keeping in touch like I should have. Jo is a Polish immigrant who is far less financially endowed than most of my other friends and yet she still jumped at the opportunity to donate to a good cause. I had heard that you would learn a lot about people and would be surprised by their generosity during this journey, and so far that seems to be true.

Lastly, I got a message from a very old friend that was also a friend of Matt's. Popeye let me know about some resources to fundraise from. I am going to ask my friends to share some favorite stories about Matt, mostly R rated I am sure, for anyones enjoyment that might be reading this blog.

First post

I am new to blogging. I am new to swimming. I am new to fundraising. I am new to Triathlon. Unfortunately, I am not new to Leukemia from a friend's standpoint. My friend, Matt Morrell, lost his battle with Leukemia.

It was really hard to watch what was going on. What was worse was that I was a couple thousand miles away. I felt totally helpless as he was going through it. Who am I to complain though - he had some really rough times.

I finally decided to do something; something that will cause me to go through some rough, painful times. Ultimately, that will be my tribute to my friend and my effort to help save others.

I am doing an Iron-Man through Team in Training. I can't swim. I lost 40 lbs in a crash diet to get myself ready to train. I beat myself up on the bike and running and go through a near-drowning daily. When I say near drowning I mean NEAR DROWNING.

My hope is that I will inspire people to donate, inspire people to become fit, inspire people to join TNT, and to raise awareness for Leukemia and other blood cancers.

I am going to chronicle my training and other related experiences as well as stories about Matt and other Leukemia victims during my journey.

Thanks for reading!